3 days straight..

3 days straight, i've been bugged..
not by someone.. but by headache..
before this, in september, i've consulted a doctor..
she did the test for my nerves and so far, she said that my nerves are fine...
no damages..

but nw, i think there's something wrong with mie..
panadol worked for a few hours only.. not even the whole day..
today marks the 3rd day im suffering from headache plus nausea, especially in the morning..
the headache goes on for the whole day, nausea is only in the morning..

did some reading about this..
and potential it may b migraine..
but must it stay for this long..?
well, im ardy 21. so even if i have to go for any scans, i can always sign it myself..
i dont need my parents anymore..
they dunt need to know what's happening to mie.
i dunt even want them to know.

even if it may cost my own life, just let it be..
im prepared to 'depart' to another world.
i know u all dunt need mie anymore..
i know who i am..
that bad-tempered gurl who screams and shouts..
i know where i stand in ur hearts, dear parents..
i dunt need any explanation from the both of u..
i just want the both of u to pray that i will leave all of u soon..
i dunt wish to live anymore.. but God still give mie life to live, even though He knows that i dunt need and dunt want my life anymore..

Dear God,
can u please take away my life or at least let mie be a 'vegetable'..?
im prepared for that..
i dunt wish to live anymore..
i dunt wish to b a burden for the people around mie..
be it my own family, friends or colleagues..
thank u God if u get to grant mie my 1st 21st wish..

thoughts...

"who will care if i'm diagnosed with any serious illness...?"

"who will care if my life's not that long...?"

well, i may sound suicidal..

i may sound like i dont care about my life..

but these are the thoughts that come to my mind every time i'm upset with my own life..

the reason i'm upset..?

hmm.. somehow, i noticed that most of what i dream of and planned, are not going the way i want..

there's always something that make it impossible for me to achieve what i want and planned..

whatever it is, if anything happens to me,

my love for my loved ones, is unconditional and i really do hope that they will continue to lead their lives as per normal..

without me around, doesnt mean that they should stop living as well..

and i really would like to Thank all my loved ones for the support, the care & concern, the unconditional love, the laughters, the jokes and the fun.

i really treasure all of u.. my parents, brother, gurlfriends, the ones that had feelings for me, the ones that i had feelings for.. thank u lots.. love ya lots..

do take care..

i know...

hmm..

when u need my money, u're soo damn sweet..

when u don't, u call mie 1001 names..

not only that, u even cursed mie..

well.. i know..

im your walking bank..

'annoying' ...

'irritating'...

'bitch'...

3 hurting words that u always tweet...

have u ever wished that this 'annoying, irritating bitch' will leave u...?

just like that...

let u have the chance of being 'the only son'...?

hmm..

if u ever wished this to happen, i really do hope that ur wish will come true..

may b not today, not tomorrow, but soon..

before im involved in any commitment..

relationships, work..

right now, i'm on my own..

so, if anything happens to mie, i can go peacefully...

no matter what, i still love you..

you're the only brother that i have..

the only sibling..

but i could feel that u don't treasure mie..

like how i treasure u...

soon enough, there'll be no one who will bother u anymore..

but i hope that u'll make our parents proud of u..

i've done my part, now it's ur turn..

goodbye and take care.. :)

what more can i say...

well..
today it's just a whirl load of feelings..
it's a swing that I can't even take it..
seriously..
but seriously serious, I don't know why my own sibling just seems to dislike mie, and may b he even hates mie...
i've been constantly being called a 'bitch'...
and somehow, I feel like as if my presence seems to be a bother to him..
well, what more can I do...
my life is still long..
but I do hope that God will shorten it..
so that I won't be a bother to him anymore..
yup, ANYMORE..
think that's the time that he'll appreciate mie just the way that everyone, yearns to be appreciated..
the time that he has no one to call a 'bitch'..
no one that will ask him 'hey let's go out with mie'...
no one that will ask him 'hey what're u doing'..
no one that will disturb him when he's on the phone with his gurlf or while he's playing game...
totally... NO ONE...

i fail to understand...

this happened yesterday...

when the 3 of us decided to sit somewhere and talk..

like kind of a 'heart to heart' talk..

more like a girls' talk..

ok.. 1 question was posted to mie..

"what's ur criteria in ur dream guy...?"

hmm ok.. it's not an easy question..

like really not easy..

so okay luh..

i gave my 1st answer.. "someone who is not clingy"

thought that that answer will just b given a nod.. since it's my decision..

but HUH... it was being commented instead.. and it was not something that i expected..

the comment was.. "wait till u fall in love.. a few days of not seeing each other will be something that u dread a lot.."

hmm.. okay.. but what if im still okay..?

i know u're the type who cant live without a guy being with u..

or may b it's just my feelings since i've been single all my life and freedom is really mine..

where i want to go, what i want to do, who i want to talk to and go with, when i want to do my stuffs, why i want to do certain things, are all up to mie..

but seriously, there are sure certain things that i was not happy with when i go out with them...

not like how it used to be..

well, actually, i wasnt happy all along...

but i had to bottle up everything for i dont want to hurt people's feelings...

and seriously, i want to lead my own life without people telling mie what to do and what not to do..

seriously, i still find that someone whom i've been friends with since sec school is the one who can somehow understand mie..

although for sure there are certain things that i dont really like.. but it's okay for mie..

what's up with mie..?

seriously, ever since 2011 started,

i've not been in the best of health..

there will always be something that i'm suffering from..

asthma, fever, tonsilitis, flu, cough..

last few years were the best..

i've been in the pink of health..

but i know..

this is all written by God,

and i don't have the right to fight..

it's all written by Him..

some people will say, if u're always sick, it means that God loves you..

some will say, it means that u've been forgetting about Him..

i don't know..

but i do feel that something is wrong with me..

i dont feel like how i used to feel, last time..

is it because i'm growing up and how i feel is related to that..

or is it because of other certain reasons that i dont wish to write here..

i dont know..

i'm still in doubts..

whatever it is, i'll just take care of myself..

make people around me happy..

make myself happy..

and just go on with whatever is written for me..

whatever happens in the future is a surprise for me as well as everyone else..

whom i love dearly.. and whom i know loves me for what i am..

Graddy Grad Grad...!

yes..!

today, officially marks the end of my life being a poly student...

a Ngee Ann Poly Nursing student...

poly life was great... as per usual, there's ups and downs...

be it friendship, studies and everything else..

including matters of the heart..

yes...!

i do still have this feeling for this certain someone...

but i got it under control just now..

since it's like my BIG day...

so i shouldn't spoil it just because of one sided love..

it's okay..

if we're destined to be for each other, for sure we'll be back together..

and yes, i'll miss this certain someone dearly..

the times we had together.. 3 years in the same class...

n i hope there'll be a chance for us to be together again..

not as classmates, but as couple..

i don't know if it'll happen..

but still, i do hope it does..

anyways, good luck to u and may we meet again..

:)